Hi, once upon a time I had a real name . . . a real life. But that was a long time ago, and the events which have befallen me over the course of the last few years -- the very things I had to do to survive -- have closed nearly all doors to my past.
Except that door. No, that door. The one with the broken door handle. Yeah, that door will never close, so it remains open for the purposes of this frightningly long exposition.
I've travelled all over the world, first out of curriosity. Then out of necessity. I felt as though I was on some great quest, to roam the lands, helping the downtrodden and righting the wrongs no one else would. But something in me changed that god damned day. That day when it, whatever it was, arose from the depths of Hell itsel-- [Scene Missing]
[Film Projector restarts]
..and that was the most ice cream that little goat ever did eat. And all the children screamed with glee as their fathers all returned from the underground sugar mines, their mothers collectively ovulated in subconcious biological unison . . . a product of suspiciously dynamic endocrine organization. Or something . . . I dunno, I dropped out of medschool twice. (a testament to my elevated sence of self and my inability to commit to going somewhere in my life)
Okay, I'm some dude who was born in canada, but went to school all over the world (every continent 'cep antarctica and south america). By all that is good and right in the world I should be a doctor by now, and married to this chick I tricked into loving me. (but it all evens out in the end, as she tricked me into loving her too) But that's not the case. I like movies. I like video games. Suffice to say, I like movies about video games. And that's how I arrived here.
I'm 27, like to play sports, and i like to write. I used to be on a TV show, and I still style myself as an okay writer. My wedding reception speeches are legendary, as both the bride and grooms side quickly pretend that I'm with the other side of the family. Or something. I'm a non-pacifist Hindu zealot, which means that only my immediate friends circle doesn't immediately assume that I'm muslim. I have alot of fun going through airports. I'm always randomly chosen for some extra T-L-C by the airport security. This no longer makes it random. The irony of the situation, however, is lost on the burly securty guards with big pushbroom moustaches and suspiciously gentle, wandering and lingerings hands when they 'pat me down for bombs' or whatever excuse they used to cop a feel.
During one of my medical school interviews I threw peanuts at the guy interviewing me.
I'd rather play video games and hang out in off-campus style housing all day with actual college students than go and see patients and progress in my life.
My girlfriend thinks I'm an idiot.
Maybe so, but at least I've won Mortal Kombat on the GameGear. I continue to DJ and eek out a living of hunting and gathering until the fateful day arrives when either she leaves me (and then I can start posting naked pictures of her on my webpage), or she lowers her standards and we get married.
Techmo Wrestling = not only is it one of the few games which affords nearly naked 8-bit combat, but it also has deep RPG storytelling elements that aren't gay. really. way less gay than dodgeball was . . . honest!